Saturday, August 4, 2012

BEST "Fifty Shades of Grey" Review Ever!

I've been hearing about Christian Grey and his Fifty Shades for months now.  Evey body and their mothers' have been telling me I HAVE to read it.  Here's the thing: I'm not a fan of reading a book at the same time as everybody else in the world.  I think there is too much outside influence on it.  If you don't like it, what's wrong with you? If you do like it, of course you do; it's perfect!  Wait, you want to actually discuss the writing?  The plot?  The characters?  You see a flaw?  You obviously don't know what you're talking about; that was the BEST. BOOK. EVER!


I'm not saying I'll never read these grand best-sellers, but I like to wait until the hype has died down (and the long lines for the movie version) has disappeared first.  Example?  I just finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

But back to Mr. Grey.  Seems like these books are even invading my personal life now, as a guy that I'm a big fan of hooking up with has just confirmed to me that he's reading them!  I'm assuming it's to get tips?  Maybe get a better understanding of what women like in bed?  So I decided to suck it up and read (at least) the first book.  I went to Amazon to buy it today, and found myself instead reading customer reviews of it.  Below is my favorite one.  If you are a writer, you'll totally get it.  If you don't...well, have fun with Mr. Grey...I'm going to go see Magic Mike in technicolor!

Fifty Shades of Grey Review
RATED: 1/5 stars
Bestseller? Really??? March 25, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition
I enjoy erotica and heard so much about this book that I had to give it a shot, but I'm five chapters in and just can't take it anymore. This has to be the most appallingly atrocious writing I've ever seen in a major release. The pseudonymous British author sets the action (such as it is) in Washington State... for no reason than that her knowledge of America apparently consists of what she read in "Twilight"... but the entire first-person narrative is filled with Britishisms. How many American college students do you know who talk about "prams," "ringing" someone on the phone, or choosing a "smart rucksack" to take "on holiday"? And the author's geography sounds like she put together a jigsaw puzzle of the Pacific Northwest while drunk and ended up with several pieces in the wrong place.

And oh, the repetition...and the repetition...and the repetition. I'm convinced the author has a computer macro that she hits to insert one of her limited repertoire of facial expressions whenever she needs one. According to my Kindle search function, characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian's lips "quirk up" 16 times, Christian "cocks his head to one side" 17 times, characters "purse" their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious" (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana's "inner goddess," and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to "holy crap," "double crap," or the ultimate "triple crap"). And this is only part one of a trilogy...

If I wrote like that, I'd use a pseudonym too.

Like some other reviewers, what I find terribly depressing is that this is a runaway bestseller and the movie rights are expected to sell for up to $5 million. There are so many highly talented writers in the genre... and erotica is so much more erotic when the author has a command of the language and can make you care about the characters. For examples, check out the "Beauty" trilogy written by Anne Rice under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure, or any stories by Donna George Storey or Rachel Kramer Bussel. Just stay away from this triple crap.

*UPDATE*: Thanks to the many other perturbed readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following up on their suggestions with my ever-useful Kindle search function, I have discovered that Ana says "Jeez" 81 times and "oh my" 72 times. She "blushes" or "flushes" 125 times, including 13 that are "scarlet," 6 that are "crimson," and one that is "stars and stripes red." (I can't even imagine.) Ana "peeks up" at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian's "hooded eyes," 7 to his "long index finger," and 25 to how "hot" he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence "He's so freaking hot."). Christian's "mouth presses into a hard line" 10 times. Characters "murmur" 199 times, "mutter" 49 times, and "whisper" 195 times (doesn't anyone just talk?), "clamber" on/in/out of things 21 times, and "smirk" 34 times. Christian and Ana also "gasp" 46 times and experience 18 "breath hitches," suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 "grins" and 124 "frowns"... which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences "intense," "body-shattering," "delicious," "violent," "all-consuming," "turbulent," "agonizing" and "exhausting" orgasms on just about every page.

No comments:

Post a Comment